Personal Demons
by CasualtyObsession
Summary: Maddy fic based around the time she found out Tom was using drugs. *contains self-harm* This is my first fic so fingers crossed!


Ok so this is my first fic and i'm kind of nervous so please be gentle.

As much as I wish I owned Holby I don't. I just enjoy borrowing the occasional character.

---------------------------------------------------------------------

She was good at the job, she knew she was. Wasn't she? Maybe she just thought she was. After all he didn't seem too convinced anymore. Had he ever been? Did anyone actually think she was any good at her job or was she just kidding herself? This was all she ever wanted to do, all she'd ever thought or dreamt of. After all the years of studying, exams and training she couldn't picture herself doing anything else. She didn't want to do anything else. But this wasn't the first time she or someone else had questioned her abilities or commitment. Maybe she was in the wrong profession. Maybe her whole life had been based on a lie.

Maddy finally snapped out of the trance like state she had been in and realised she'd been sat in the car contemplating her decisions and questioning herself and her own abilities for the past 20 minutes. All the while clutching her bag tightly as if the contents were extremely valuable and of the utmost importance. Well to her they were.

"Pull yourself together Dr Young" she told herself as she placed the bag carefully down on the passenger seat and started the engine.

The journey home seemed to take forever as the same thoughts kept creeping back into the forefront of her mind. Thoughts of Tom, of Hannah, of her friends and colleagues, her past, her childhood, everything. Pulling up outside her flat she switched off the engine and sat silently alone in the car with only her thoughts for company.

"Don't go there" she finally told herself as she got out of the car and headed for the front door.

"It's just been a bad day and you don't need it…not really" she rationalised.

Entering her flat she threw her belongings on the sofa and headed for the bathroom. Reaching for the bubble bath she sighed to herself and turned on the taps and cd player. After retrieving her dressing gown and pjs, as well as a glass of wine Maddy discarded her work clothes in the basket and submerged herself in the comfort of the warm soapy water and welcomed the err of calm that came with it. All thoughts of work slowly relinquishing there grip on her mind as she laid back, relaxed, listening to the music and taking the occasional sip of wine. She'd contemplated just grabbing the entire bottle but reasoned that with the random breathalyser tests still taking place the risk was one not worth taking.

Eventually Maddy decided that, as much as she would love to, staying in the bath for eternity really wasn't an option. Nor was it a good idea. Problem was the minute Maddy had stepped out of the comfort of the bath was the same minute in which reality kicked back in. Instead of all her worries draining away with the bath water like she'd hoped, they very quickly flooded her mind. So 10 minutes later she found herself cuddled up in her pjs on the sofa and out of the corner of her eye she could see her bag taunting her. Grabbing the nearest cushion she threw it over the bag. As if no longer being able to see it would mean that it would some how have magically disappeared. Grabbing the TV remote Maddy began flicking aimlessly through the channels only to discover there was absolutely nothing worth watching. Typical she thought. Catching a glimpse of the clock Maddy figured she may as well just head for bed as she had to be up for work in the morning anyway. Giving one last fleeting glance at the cushion currently covering her bag she headed out of the room.

3 hours after having taken herself to bed and Maddy was still wide awake. As soon as she'd put her head on the pillow her mind was once again overflowing with unanswered questions and no matter what she tried Maddy couldn't seem to shake them.

Tom? Tom on Heroin? Why on earth hadn't she figured it out beforehand? After all he wasn't the first drug addict she'd known. Her sister had the very same addiction. So why hadn't she noticed any of the symptoms? Or maybe subconsciously she had and had just chosen to ignore them. Or maybe Tom had just been very good at covering his tracks. After all she herself had spent enough time over the years covering up and concealing her own secret addiction so it was conceivable that other people were able to do the same.

It was no good. Maddy knew that there was only one way she was going to get any sleep tonight. Getting up she slowly and calmly made her way back into the lounge. Grabbing her bag she carefully emptied the contents out onto the empty floor in front or her. Systematically laying the items out she silently checked she wasn't missing anything before opening different packaging and wrappers. Rolling up the left leg of her pyjamas Maddy took in the all to familiar sight that met her gazing eyes. Tracing a finger along the surface of one of her many scars she smiled inwardly. Upon deciding which patch of skin to make her mark on Maddy picked up her chosen implement. She'd found one of the perks to working in a hospital was that there was a never ending supply of sharp utensils at her disposal.

Dragging the blade across her own bare skin Maddy readied her self in anticipation for the surge of pain she knew would soon follow. Gritting her teeth she drew breath and both pain and relief washed over her. It had been so long that Maddy had almost forgotten why it was she did this to herself. But now, seeing the blood flow, feeling the wave of calm that engulfed her. It soon helped her remember. After allowing the blade to meet her skin and take control for her a few more times Maddy felt both calm and relaxed yet invigorated and alive also.

Discarding the blade to one side she began soaking gauze in saline and carefully cleaning up the trail of blood that was running down her leg leading to a gradually forming bright red puddle around her foot. Another bonus to working in a hospital was the easy accessibility of free medical supplies Maddy thought as she once again began the task of hiding away her secret from the world once more. It took a good 40 minutes for Maddy to completely clean and steri-strip her wounds. Even though they were self inflicted she was still a perfectionist when it came to cleaning up as any infection may mean her being exposed. Having applied non-stick pads and a bandage Maddy turned her attention to her now rather red floor. After giving it a quick wipe she gathered up the remainder of the used supplies and disposed of them in the kitchen bin.

Making her way back to bed Maddy couldn't help but wonder what it was that made hurting yourself so addictive. Was it the pain? Was it because it took away the numb feeling and actually made you feel? Was it the sense of control you have over your body when everything in life seems so out of control?

Laying back down Maddy realised she didn't actually care what it was. At the end of the day, as long as it kept on working for her and no-one found out, she'd keep on doing it.


End file.
